Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
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[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco