Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
