Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I鈥檓 not good at putting on lipstick.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What鈥檚 that like?
M: It鈥檚 a gas
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn鈥檛 tell them…馃ぃ
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they鈥檙e smarter than men.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don鈥檛 ask which one were they.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”