Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh