[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My first son he is wonderful
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce