[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?