Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law