Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die