Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”