Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Twitter is an abusement park.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Look at this

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid