Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.