Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”