Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
what does he know…
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.