Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.