Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else