@onelongbender

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.

You Might Also Like

@deegeemindi

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

@AtticusFinch79

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

@Abusitron

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@omgthatspunny

I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

@jjhartinger

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@ArfMeasures

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@AbbieEvansXO

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true