Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true