Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
damn he’s good
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote