*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
congratulations to them
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.