*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
sleeping beauty
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.