Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”