Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.