[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Good dog. ❤️
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*