Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her