Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him