Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap