watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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How it started: How it’s going:
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Always 🥴
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
you have three unread messages
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
