watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
God has left this place
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]