watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
When can I start eating bats again.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
good work, detective
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
he’s doing your taxes
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
How much for the goth pool noodles?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Thursday Thought.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!