Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business