Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

I’m literally crying

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

What’s so funny?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt