*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
i meant to share this earlier
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…