Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number