Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

philosophical skeletons be like

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.