*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
You Might Also Like
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me