Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Home #decor warning.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude