*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Bread puns are on the rise!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Nice try, NASA
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.