*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad