Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing