Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

ready to be harvested

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Brands during Pride

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor