Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.