[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*