Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*