Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Arrest that man!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?