Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”