Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.