@junejuly12

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

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@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@briangaar

The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops

@Lowenaffchen

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@OVO_Ty15

I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
Hopefully modeling.

@copymama

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!