I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
The premise of Batman is that, deep down, all billionaires just want to be first-year patrol cops
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
regardless means without regard
irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!