Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.


You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.


The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.


DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.


[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you


People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.


After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”


When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.