@junejuly12

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@Travon

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

@dorsalstream

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@joejwest

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

@sixthformpoet

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

@pattymo

After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”

@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.