Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.