Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”