Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy