Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.