Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer