Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”