watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Something Saturday.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Trying
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.