watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese