watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I try
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.