Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
