Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”