Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
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I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Monday?
No. Next question.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair