[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*![]()
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident