Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.