Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

*power walks to the refrigerator*

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester