watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
