watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
😂💯
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
they see me scrollin
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!