watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I am also baked goods
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
marvel comics have peaked
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?