watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.