watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”