watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder