watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
