(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.