(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Thursday
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.