*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Limited budget
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?