*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
6: are snakes just neck?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?