*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You Might Also Like
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator