*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I need to get some bricks…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.