Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.