Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

I WON A HAM TODAY

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….