Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.