Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I put the mess in domestic.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.