Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

channeling her this year

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

How dude HOW?!